We all have them, those precious memories that should be beautiful, that would be beautiful, if we wouldn’t burst out in tears as soon as we have them, as they remind us of someone or something we’ve lost. Even though this blog here is about the fandom of life, it would be wrong to insist on only happy stories here. Life is what it is, with all its depths, and all its meanings that we may never really understand, as there are really too many for just one truth.
One truth is, that I miss my Suni, and that I would love to bath in happy memories, but I just can’t. It is too overwhelming. Suni is my spirit animal, my spirit companion, who came to me in a form of the cutest but also challenging huge Bernese Mountain dog. Even as a kiddo she already weighed quite a few pounds, and she looked like a little grizzly bear when I first met her, as she was running up the road to me, a surprise by my partner and then big love (now still loved but not partner anymore). A little family, that was our idea, at least for some time. What followed was a pot filled with insecurities and happiness, fights and tries to make things right, and the will to find a place where Suni could feel good.
I wonder if I am all so sad every time when I think of her because I wished I had been more healthy before, more strong in my mind and body, more willful to appreciate that the two of us belong together and that I can trust my guts.
I loved to connect to her on a deeper level. When you truly connect with a dog, then there are no words needed. There is no training needed in learning to use the right phrases like stop and go and here and no, there is just the need to fully be present, to be concentrated, and to be in connection. Then you don’t need words. It is as if you communicate in pictures that you send to each other, with an unseen cellphone (just a description to make it easier to follow), and then, there you go. You just know. And she did just know. It is like true magic. You feel you found your best partner and spirit friend, and you just wanna be together, everything is okay and fine as long as you are together.
It has been one of those moments, one of those memories that is haunting me right now and that made me start to write this blog entry.
Only a few days before she died, as we were sitting together at a lake, watching over the crystal clear water and the forest that surrounded it, and as a slight breeze was playing with her ears and her hair, I just had that thought. That I am the happiest person that we can be together like this, and I cried from happiness at that time.
And only too short after she died, so sudden, within a week. And there are questions, like, why so? But no answer would bring her back to me. And as much I would like to just remember that moment, as much I feel like a factory for tears, and if my action could keep the oceans clean, I’d be happy to do so, but that is also one of those things that will stay unclear. It may be true, it may be not, it may be something I’d call poetic science and that is one element of my core beliefs, but still, it doesn’t change the fact that my Suni did leave this place. She did look me in the eyes, the night before she died, and for the last time, she sent me everything I have to know. Of why she is leaving, of what I can do to survive the pain. She looked me in the eye for many many minutes, something she would rarely do, and it all flashed into me. But, the thing is: I cannot read it. I do not want to read it. Because it would mean, that I’d have to be happy and to understand that she lives inside of me now. And there is a big part in me who doesn’t want to hear such things. That part in me only wants to follow that life that I had planned for us. For example, I would only play concerts in halls where she is allowed to go, too. So I could see her and know when she is relaxed, the music is good. If she would be there in front of my piano, I felt instantly relaxed, too. She did give me that comfort.
I had just moved to nature, to give her and us a home in the forests and at the lakes. She immediately left. There is a wise person around me, who said that she left because she did her job, she brought me back into nature, out of the city of Berlin… But this part in my, this part that is missing her so much, can still not accept that. Truth is, tears are rolling while I write this text. Truth is, tears were rolling when I wrote that album, „Suni“, which has been more like my anchor when I’d fall into panic attacks and when I couldn’t breathe because I lost her.
I just hope that my heart stays open, somehow. I love life. But I still do miss her so much. And I wish I could just remember her and her happiness, those moments when we would cross to town with our shadow dance, as the asphalt gets too hot in the summer and we would pick ways like a little detective where we would only touch the floor that was cool enough, and when we did so, people would just be happy to see us, to see her, cause she had that aura to spread happiness.
I still do feel guilty that I left her alone so long after the breakup, after I had to find my self again and also a way to communicate with my partner, but I would’ve never thought that after all this, after all the progress to be back with her, I’d only have such a short time with her. Believe me, every single minute of it was precious, I loved to see her shine. And you can make them shine, by just connecting, and they can make you shine, by just connecting and teaching you on such a deep level.
I wish to be connected to her still, and to be as happy and clear as if she would really still be here. My little dog happiness machine. With that bright smile.
Suni, I miss you, and I hope I will slowly slowly start to understand and accept the message that you sent me when you left this planet.
I did always call you my lightning spirit. And as you went, it was exactly the night of one of the biggest thunderstorms in Germany, So, you must still be around in this energy, this electric energy somewhere, and I love to travel to you and with you with the speed of light, or as lazy as you could get, and just hanging out, doing our thing.
Your smile, your touch, your breathing, your fun and wise spirit, and us, discovering the world together.
I am truly grateful for that. And I promise I will take care of the parts in me that cannot let you go. I love you.
– SUNI, my love –